


There's ivory in this spine

by swallowthewhale



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-28 09:38:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11415201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swallowthewhale/pseuds/swallowthewhale
Summary: Sometimes, Cisco stands in the middle of the cortex at one in the morning on a Tuesday and thinks that Barry was so selfish.





	There's ivory in this spine

Sometimes, Cisco stands in the middle of the cortex at one in the morning on a Tuesday and thinks that Barry was so selfish. Walking into the Speed Force and abandoning his family, his friends, his job and Star Labs, his whole life without a backwards glance. Without knowing if he was ever coming back. Sometimes Cisco wants to scream, because even on his worst days he doesn’t understand.

Sometimes, Cisco goes up to what was Caitlin’s office before the accelerator exploded, and sits in the corner behind the desk and cries. It’s the only place no one will bother him, because only Caitlin knew about it and she’s gone. Gone like Barry, except she had the choice to stay. And Cisco can’t understand that either, because without him even realizing it, Caitlin and Barry had become his home. His home is gone now, splintered and gone.

If Iris is the new will of the team, and Wally is the new hand, then Cisco remains the heart, but his unfailing optimism slips a little each day, until his therapist asks him, “how do you cope?” and it breaks. I don’t, is the answer, and he just stares at her blankly. She prescribes him new meds, gently suggests he find a friend to confide in, offers a few coping mechanisms. Cisco goes home a leaves a message on Caitlin’s old cellphone. (Why did you leave? How could you ask me to let you go? Please, come back.)

Sometimes Cisco wonders what it would be like to leave, too. To drop the weight of responsibility and grief and to forget the loss. But then he looks at Wally, and Iris, and Jesse, and thinks about “we win and we lose as a team”. And how could he let Iris do this alone, after she’s lost so much already? And what would happen if Caitlin or Barry came back and he was gone? And what kind of person would he be if he let his friends go at it alone?

And sometimes Cisco thinks, how could I ever leave?

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Shout" by Alexz Johnson


End file.
